When Your Spouse Has Diabetes---Helping Each Other.

Last Updated: Monday, February 19, 2007

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When Your Spouse Has Diabetes---Helping Each Other

By Vickie G. Paver

The purpose of this article is to give you and your spouse encouragement in dealing with diabetes as a couple. Harold (a.k.a. Hal) is not only the "love" of my life but he is my best friend. My husband has dealt with being a brittle diabetic for 36 years. And we have dealt with it for 23 years as a couple.

As individuals we react differently to crises and other problems in dealing with diabetes. My husband is calm about most things, even crises. I'm the worrier in the family. In spite of everything, God is helping me to learn to remain calm in the 'crises times'. I'm not always successful, but God is patient. I know that I can trust God with my husband. However, when it comes to daily care, planning meals and doctor appointments Hal is too relaxed. I'm more on top of those things. So we compliment each other. This is how it should be, each spouse having his or her strong points.

Stick together!

Take into consideration that as you deal with a spouse's diabetes, you will not be perfect. Also remember that you need to stick together in spite of differences and 'differences of opinions.'  Be sensitive to your spouse. He or she is struggling with diabetes. It is an ongoing battle! It isn't easy monitoring blood glucose levels, taking shots, measuring or counting carbohydrates or calories, and making an effort to exercise. A person with diabetes always has to monitor carefully. They have to be constantly aware of how things affect their blood glucose levels (even stress.) And a little sidetrack here---It isn't easy to watch other people eat a great big hot fudge sundae and know that if you ate it you would certainly pay! So BE sensitive! Forego the sundae...eat fresh fruit...you won't die without the chocolate.

Another difficulty that you may possibly face is when your spouse makes a choice concerning their health that you don't agree with; remember it is his or her choice...as long as they are able to make the choice. Note: Even if and when your spouse cannot make a decision for their own health, PLEASE be sure that you know their wishes. Discuss this ahead of time! Anyway, on with 'if your spouse makes a choice that you do not agree with.' Your role would be to support him or her in the decision. This doesn't mean you cannot voice your opinion, but it is not up to you to change their mind. It is not always an easy thing to do; being supportive while your spouse decides to do something that you don't totally agree on. Part of sticking together too is not letting others put your spouse down because they want to try something new. Stick together! Be a united front. 

I recall when my husband decided to go off the insulin pump because of numerous infections from the infusion sites (where the line for the insulin went into his stomach.) One particular site was infected so badly that he ended up with a staph infection. In spite of the problem with infections, I did not agree with Hal about going off the pump and taking a 24-hour insulin called Lantus. (Note: if you would like to know more about Lantus, your doctor can tell you about this 24 insulin.) Well on with the difference of opinion thing! I made my opinion known, passionately! Yet, I did not nag! When others tried to badger him about this, I stood my ground. I reminded them it was his decision!

At the time, I hoped that the doctor would say no. But it was not to be. Soon we started on a wild journey, with many emotional ups and downs. I prayed for patience, while Hal selected to try to improve his own health by trying something new. Taking the Lantus was something that he felt comfortable with immediately and was totally relieved to be off the insulin pump. We rode out weeks of coping with low blood glucose levels as the doctor helped him to adjust the insulin. I called the ambulance at least once during this time. It was scary and upsetting, but because of God I stood strong. My husband was optimistic about it, even though he struggled. Now it is weeks later and I see a new man, one who has taken a more active role in controlling his blood glucose levels. Also, he lost weight and feels better about life in general and has a new outlook concerning his diabetes. He had become discouraged because of the numerous infections and other problems with the insulin pump. You have to remember that no system is perfect and not every system works for everyone. He still thinks the pump is great for some people, but he enjoys the freedom the Lantus gives him in not being tied down to a pump that is the size of a pager, 24/7. Still others out there have had wonderful results with the insulin pump and feel the pump is freeing.

 Two types of insulin pumps: Medtronic MiniMed and Disetronic Medical System

Without a doubt the whole experience with Hal's decision made me realize once again that we are all so different. Sometimes what is best for one person isn't always best for another. So this is something we have to remember as the 'supporting spouse.'

Something that can draw you and your spouse closer is remembering that your spouse should never be defined by his or her illness!! When people are defined by their illness, instead of who they are it hurts. Whenever talking to others I try to get them to see the real person my husband is---the great sense of humor he has, the way he is so gentle with his grandchildren...and for them to look at the whole person, instead of just concentrating on the fact that he is a diabetic. You can do this in general conversation...you don't have to be forceful about it. But watch for opportunities. You can talk about things your spouse is involved with --- such as sports, family, grandchildren, or funny incident, work, etc.

One thing that people don't realize is that the 'supporting spouse' needs to have support from the spouse who has diabetes also. Many times my husband has been supportive of me as he realized how worried I've gotten about him. He doesn't make light of my feelings and makes sure that I feel important and cared for too. It is a two way street. Working together for the better of each person involved is the best way.

Also, it is important for marriage partners to pray together. So many times when Hal and I have prayed together about a problem...we have had more hope and been less anxious. Also we try not to forget to praise together...to thank God for the wonderful things He has done in our lives.  

Read and Research 

1. Read as much educational material as possible about diabetes. Discuss what you have read and research whatever is of interest to you. We find that it helps us to understand things better by discussing it with each other. We all take in information differently. Also, remember education is an ongoing process. You can never know too much about diabetes or any other disease or illness that you or your spouse have. I feel becoming more educated concerning illness empowers you to make better decisions and lead a healthier life style.

  Helpful Books: 

The Diabetes Carbohydrate and Fat Gram Guide By Lea Ann Holzmeister, RD, CDE; American Diabetes Association and The American Dietetic Association

You can get this paper back book for about $14.00 and it is well worth the price. Most other books are much more expensive. It not only gives the carbohydrate and fat count for regular and brand name foods, but also for fast food restaurants. And it breaks down the fats, gives the sodium count, and protein count. It also gives servings and exchanges. It is easy to follow and easy to carry along on short or long trips. By measuring and following this book, my husband has lost several pounds, as well as being more aware of what is in the food that he eats. BTW---it doesn't hurt to eat the same healthy diet that your spouse eats, to control his or her diabetes better. It is a life style change that is healthy for anyone.

2. Subscribe to a Diabetes magazine and also light or diabetes cooking magazines.

Diabetes Forecast (We subscribe) Excellent magazine. This magazine not only has recipes for people with diabetes, but also is on top of all the new technology, gives exercise tips and is very encouraging.    

Heart Healthy Cooking Recently my son picked up a copy of Heart Healthy and it had all low carb cooking. The recipes are wonderful and if other issues are as good as this one it is well worth buying. I especially liked the Broccoli-Cheese Quesadillas recipe. 

Diabetic Gourmet Yummy...try the roasted corn without butter! They have a print friendly version of the recipe.

 Dare to Dream

Take time to dream. Anything is possible! Encourage your spouse to try new things. Encourage him or her to follow a dream. Don't ever say, "you can't." Remember you never know until you try! And don't let others tell your spouse that they can't.

Tips 

Make sure that your spouse knows that he or she is special. These are great ideas even if your spouse does not have health problems. Enjoy life! Take time to smell the roses!

1. Write a poem, a verse or a note to your spouse...frequently. Perhaps you could put what you have written by their dinner plate or on the bathroom mirror or on their bed pillow.

2. Watch the stars together and see if you can find the big dipper, little dipper and so on.

3. Say something positive every day to your spouse...AND MEAN what you say. 

4. Ladies (or men) remember to help with life style changes in eating and meal planning...presentation is everything. Why is it when we go to a restaurant that the meals seem to taste so good? It is partly because of presentation. So be creative---and add a little finesse, nothing wrong with putting those candles on the table men---or ladies. Grin. Even if the kids are eating with you. Have the kids help plan the table setting; you'll be surprised how much the children enjoy this also. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers to add to the table. If you don't live in the country or it is winter time, then go the market...lots of times they sell bouquets for $3.00!

5. Please don't forget to take care of yourself. As a supportive spouse this is very important! Be sure to eat properly, exercise and take care of the spiritual side too. If you don't you can't possibly be at your best. Also, give yourself a break when you are tired.

6. Remember be sensitive to the hurdles that your spouse has to overcome everyday of his or her life. Don't expect them to be perfect in their health care. They may actually want to throw their insulin away and eat that hot fudge sundae. I remember one time my husband wanted to throw his insulin pump across the room at the wall. He didn't do it, but he felt like it. I didn't put him down for it; instead we talked about the frustration of it all. It is unreasonable to think that people with diabetes are always going to want to follow their regiment...taking insulin, measuring those carbohydrates, etc. Be kindhearted, not critical. It is okay to be upset with things now and again, but be sure to talk it out. Be supportive...and show your spouse that you love him or her.

7. When you go out for a meal, split the meal. It is a fact that most restaurants 'super size' their portions! Do you realize that most portions are supposed to be 1/2 cup? YES! I said 1/2 cup! Americans are so used to the large size portions that they have lost all reality of what a normal portion should be! Splitting a meal with your spouse not only helps them stay within the limits of their calorie or carbohydrate count, but it helps you too to watch 'over eating' which isn't really good for anyone. For instance, you can split a turkey club sandwich at Perkins, each of you eating half of it...one person ordering the salad that goes with it and then the other ordering a salad side. And it is filling! You've stayed within your limits and had a good meal. You can even spilt that mashed potato and meat meal. Most give 1 cup or better of mashed potatoes with a meal.... split it! Remember that 1/2 'normal' sizing. And 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes is 16 carbs...then add that gravy, some veggies, etc.... and well you get the drift. It doesn't take long to add up the carbohydrates. BUT you don't have to starve. Buy the book that I suggested above 'The Diabetes Carbohydrate and Fat Gram Guide' and you'll soon know what foods are lower in carbs and realize that you can eat bigger amounts of certain foods. Or you can buy any book that lists the carbohydrates for foods. Example of carbs: Fresh strawberries are only 17 carbs for one and one half cup!!! Now strawberries are also filling!!

 Whose fault is it anyway? 

The reason I want to address this subject is because we have dealt with it in the past and still deal with it on occasion. I know of other people who have dealt or still deal with this very same thing. Perhaps by addressing this subject I can help someone better understand certain situations when a diabetic's blood sugar level goes VERY low.

Whose fault is it when a diabetic's blood glucose level goes really low and they hallucinate, act drunk, confused or act strange? The answer, of course, it is no one's fault. First and foremost remember when you are helping someone, control your own emotions. The way a person acts when their blood sugar is very low is not a personal attack on you! When diabetics' blood sugar levels go extremely low they have no control over what is happening to them and no control over how they are acting. The brain is starved of glucose (sugar) and cannot function as normal. THIS is not to be confused with mental illness. Some people misunderstand and think that it is a mental condition. It is not! It is a physical condition that does not allow that part or other parts of the body to work and it is important to get the blood sugar levels back to normal as soon as possible.

I remember on one particular occasion when my husband was having a dream. He woke up thinking it was real, he was living out the dream while awake. I checked his blood sugar level and it was very low, so I did what I had to do to bring it back up. After the levels became normal and a period of time had passed, he then realized something was not right. I had to explain what happened. However, it can be embarrassing for the person who had the low blood sugar. When we need to reassure our husband or wife that it is okay and that we love them... AND that it is something they had no control over.

Several doctors have said to us personally "the down side for good control are more frequent lows," "unfortunately, it is like sitting on a fence when having good control, you can topple over at any time." Enough to make a person want to give up? No, not in the least, as with all diseases there is some price to pay to be healthier, to have fewer complications, or to even find a cure. We need to find a way to deal with the stress of it all. Part of my stress techniques is to talk to my doctor, write about it, and talk to others who have the same problem. Just find a way to deal with it and help your spouse to find a way to cope too. Be open and sensitive to your spouse.

 Dealing with the Physical Aspect of an Low Episode

How to Handle Anger During Low Blood Sugar Levels 

So what do we do when the most terrible thing happens caused from extremely low blood sugar levels? Whether the person is dealing with hallucinations, aggressive behavior, or other problems of this sort--- it is always BEST to call 911 and in the mean time do your best to bring the blood sugar levels up. Sometimes you can give a glucagon shot, orange juice, etc, if the person can co-operate. I say can because many times the person cannot. Other times you may not be able to do anything but call 911, especially if the behavior has turned aggressive. If the person goes unconscious then you can give the shot of glucagon Remember the behavior is NOT a personal thing toward you. Think with your head not your heart in the heat of the episode. 

Usually, people deal with lesser symptoms of low blood sugar levels. These are: trembling, dizziness, weakness, paleness, rapid heart rate, confusion, headache, cold sweat, sudden moodiness, and clumsiness. These are not all the signs --- we are all individuals. That is something we must remember.

Have a Sense of Humor and Be Positive 

Laugh, laugh, laugh and laugh some more! 

1. Watch funny movies
2. Read jokes to one another (Reader's Digest has some neat jokes)
3. Relax and don't be so intense --- learn to laugh at yourself once in awhile.
4. Find joy and laughter in the daily grind of living.

 Copyright© 2006 by Vickie G. Paver---All Rights Reserved